I'd like to believe that every twenty-something embarking on parenthood has the same ideals as me: to make the coolest, most badass kids on the planet. Of course I want to raise intelligent, proactive, caring little people, and because I have sons, it also really matters to me that they are sensitive and respectful and peaceful. But let's face it, that stuff is in the genes. All I really have control over is their cool factor. Getting knocked up in a yurt at the age of 22 and spending my first week in a family way wandering the streets of Amsterdam meant that I was surely on the right track to having some really radical children. So when my sons showed signs of being obsessed with sweatpants and Bob the Builder, I panicked a little. Parenting disaster! What was I doing wrong?
While rocking back and forth in the corner of my room for a few days, I did some serious soul searching and came up with this incredibly useful style guide for myself and the parents of the world. If you care about the coolness of your kid, then read these five tips. You'll thank me. Or not, because sometimes saying "thank you" isn't as cool as a head nod.
While rocking back and forth in the corner of my room for a few days, I did some serious soul searching and came up with this incredibly useful style guide for myself and the parents of the world. If you care about the coolness of your kid, then read these five tips. You'll thank me. Or not, because sometimes saying "thank you" isn't as cool as a head nod.
1. Let Them Drink from Glass
Everybody knows that mason jars are so cool they're almost uncool, but are still definitely cool. If I'm at home, you might find me drinking a yerba mate with local maple syrup in vintage ceramic, but c'mon, I wouldn't be caught dead with a travel mug out in public. And those containers designed to look like they're disposable? Please. Glass is the coolest way to go, even for kids. Glass bottles are real for a reason, mom and dad. Get on board.
Even if your three year old is holding a wide mouth jar by the rubber plug contraption for your stainless steel drinkable lid and drops the whole thing and shatters glass all over the street where hundreds of people are dancing, some barefoot, to local music in front of a historic theatre, he's still gonna be the envy of all those kids with dinky little plastic sippy cups. He might be thirsty the rest of the night because he watered the pavement instead of himself, but trust me, everybody there will know that you are serious about raising some stylish, not to mention eco-conscious (read: exra cool), little kiddos.
Even if your three year old is holding a wide mouth jar by the rubber plug contraption for your stainless steel drinkable lid and drops the whole thing and shatters glass all over the street where hundreds of people are dancing, some barefoot, to local music in front of a historic theatre, he's still gonna be the envy of all those kids with dinky little plastic sippy cups. He might be thirsty the rest of the night because he watered the pavement instead of himself, but trust me, everybody there will know that you are serious about raising some stylish, not to mention eco-conscious (read: exra cool), little kiddos.
2. Transport Them Alternatively
I'm a pretty serious biker. I don't have any spandex or neon clothes and I'm constantly taking things off of my bike to make it sleek and beautiful instead of adding things to make it efficient and useful, but I still consider myself a real biker. I commute almost everywhere I have to go on my two-wheeled steed, hauling everything in my cart from groceries and softball gear to children and more children. Of course safety is important, so I helmet and strap those chitluns, even if I think they look a little geeky. They would look decidedly less cool with neck braces.
When I'm riding around town with my kids, I know that I am the envy of every mother stuck in a station wagon or minivan, wishing she could just stretch her legs on the open road hauling upwards of 100 pounds of very valuable flesh. I know this because a lot of people wave and smile, completely approving our stellar alternativeness. I also know that when people get really mad at me for taking up the lane and yell things like "You're not a car!" or "You're gonna kill your kids!" they're just jealous that my children are way cooler than theirs. Seriously, safety is really important to me, I am very cautious with my kids. But coolness is super duper important to me, too, which is why it's even better when my kids are on their own wheels. Then we're all equally visible in our awesomeness!
When I'm riding around town with my kids, I know that I am the envy of every mother stuck in a station wagon or minivan, wishing she could just stretch her legs on the open road hauling upwards of 100 pounds of very valuable flesh. I know this because a lot of people wave and smile, completely approving our stellar alternativeness. I also know that when people get really mad at me for taking up the lane and yell things like "You're not a car!" or "You're gonna kill your kids!" they're just jealous that my children are way cooler than theirs. Seriously, safety is really important to me, I am very cautious with my kids. But coolness is super duper important to me, too, which is why it's even better when my kids are on their own wheels. Then we're all equally visible in our awesomeness!
3. Put Their Pictures on the Web
A kid on instagram is a kid destined for coolness. My kids are so recognizable to the general internet population, they're only one step away from being the next teen pop stars. I know that some people worry about internet predators, but I tend to not get too bent out of shape about that stuff. I mean, they're always fully clothed, and it's not like they have their own handles or anything (although extra points to any parent who can get someone else to hashtag their offspring).
My sons are so adept at the importance of social media that if I pause from sharing a special moment with them to take a picture of it in order to show everybody how special our moment is, they're right with me and say "Put it on Facebook!" or "That should be your new homepage!" I have no doubt that when they finally get their own phones or Google glasses or forearm chips, they will never share anything dull.
Want to boost everybody's coolness by association? Throw yourself into a few pics with some parent-child selfies. The family who views life through photo filters together, stays together.
My sons are so adept at the importance of social media that if I pause from sharing a special moment with them to take a picture of it in order to show everybody how special our moment is, they're right with me and say "Put it on Facebook!" or "That should be your new homepage!" I have no doubt that when they finally get their own phones or Google glasses or forearm chips, they will never share anything dull.
Want to boost everybody's coolness by association? Throw yourself into a few pics with some parent-child selfies. The family who views life through photo filters together, stays together.
4. Dress Them Like Studs, Not Duds
Clothing is the window into someone's character. We've all seen people with whom we might otherwise become friends were it not for them wearing yesterday's workout clothes and carrying around a Jansport backpack. I don't judge books by their covers, and I've trudged through my fair share of stylistically challenged phases, but I want my kids to have an easy life. I want people to know at first sight that they are cool and worthy of positive attention. I want it to be simple for them to get dates and job interviews, and then later charm everybody with their wise world views and charisma.
Sure, I went into debt opening a children's clothing store so that I could have wholesale access to this country's best and freshest ethical and stylish designers, but it was worth it. My kids look hip. Plus, I read to them a lot. I'm sure they'll get scholarships for college.
Sure, I went into debt opening a children's clothing store so that I could have wholesale access to this country's best and freshest ethical and stylish designers, but it was worth it. My kids look hip. Plus, I read to them a lot. I'm sure they'll get scholarships for college.
5. Teach Them About Rock and Roll
Have you ever wanted to date somebody because they gave Kenny Loggins CDs as gifts or camped out in line for Nickelback tickets? No? Well duh, that's because those people are unabashedely uncool. Music is the number one barometer (after fashion, of course) for coolness, so it's not worth letting your kids listen to anything frumpy. Children's albums are generally absent of anything cool, unless they are by otherwise cool artists like Kimya Dawson or They Might Be Giants.
What's that, kids, you want to hear another verse of Raffi? Sorry, boys, mama wants Radiohead.
My kids are so cool that at this point they can dance like Michael Jackson and sing from their knees along with greats like Steve Perry and Pharrell. In our living room, fists are bumping and chords are strumming. There's no time for mind numbing music like lullabies. My kids go to sleep serenaded by my best versions of Arctic Monkeys and hits from Godspell or Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. Nevermind if my oldest is still nervous when I mention Pink Floyd because at the age of three he thought an intruder was asking "Is there anybody out there?" Cool is cool, and I won't let my children miss out on being at the forefront of music. Besides, what do I know about life that they can't learn from Modest Mouse, Led Zeppelin, or the Beatles?
What's that, kids, you want to hear another verse of Raffi? Sorry, boys, mama wants Radiohead.
My kids are so cool that at this point they can dance like Michael Jackson and sing from their knees along with greats like Steve Perry and Pharrell. In our living room, fists are bumping and chords are strumming. There's no time for mind numbing music like lullabies. My kids go to sleep serenaded by my best versions of Arctic Monkeys and hits from Godspell or Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. Nevermind if my oldest is still nervous when I mention Pink Floyd because at the age of three he thought an intruder was asking "Is there anybody out there?" Cool is cool, and I won't let my children miss out on being at the forefront of music. Besides, what do I know about life that they can't learn from Modest Mouse, Led Zeppelin, or the Beatles?
At the end of the day, our children are reflections of us, for better or worse. I say make it better, mold them into the cool kids you always wished you could be. Spare them the agony of getting beaten up in high school and shunned at office Christmas parties. When in doubt, combine as many of the above tips as possible, cramming so much coolness into your little ones that they'll be crapping it out with their strawberry kale chia seed smoothie.
And if all else fails, love them. Love them for being cool, love them for being awkward, love them for being like you, love them for not. Kindness and compassion and trust and love are by far the most fashionable accessories you could ever use to adorn your children. Generation Rad is growing up in a world of openness and confidence, the likes of which maybe most of us were not lucky enough to be exposed. Despite what the people who stand at the fringe of a dance party might say, hugs and kisses are super cool. If you model positive relationships, then your kids will learn how to be righteous friends, and that's the coolest thing the world needs.
Skinny jeans and a good haircut are just icing on the cake.
Skinny jeans and a good haircut are just icing on the cake.
